Breastfeeding is not “natural”.
All those campaigns about breastfeeding and La Leche League meetings have you believing that as soon as baby is yanked out of your body, they will oh so naturally gravitate towards your boob and just happily latch on. So much that if it doesn’t happen right away, you feel like a complete failure. They never tell you that the baby could have a lip or tongue tie that would prevent them from opening their mouth enough. Or you could have the wrong “type” of nipple and he’s screaming so vehemently you just want to shove a bottle in his mouth and say fuck it. The nipple shield either fell off before I could get him latched on or he would suck on the end of that and pull my nipple so forcefully I was sure it would rip off. And that leads me to…
Breast pumps can go suck it.
These unholy contraptions would be put to much better use for
tortureenhanced interrogation. I ultimately chose to pump after Ethan and I could not get the hang of breastfeeding. It’s double the work and half as much fun. I got the honor of pumping and THEN feeding him. It’s also a less efficient way of removing milk from the breast, which subconsciously translates into I’m not making enough milk for my baby. What a self-esteem booster.
Babies can be angelic and the spawn of Satan within the same 2 seconds.
I have held Ethan while he’s merrily clapping to a song when suddenly he decides that slapping my eyes would be much more enjoyable. The open mouth kisses are also super cute until he becomes Hannibal Lecter.
I have never been so concerned about how much someone ELSE was pooping.
Once we introduced food at six months, Ethan’s body hasn’t always reacted well to it. Sometimes he’s grunting and pushing so hard I fear he’ll be drooling for another reason. Then there are days where the diaper cannot even attempt to contain the carnage. Every evening I get a rundown from our daycare via Tim about how often and the consistency of his poops. Wonderful dinner conversation.
You can buy him the best toys in the world and he will love the packaging more.
Already having another child, as in Tim’s case, doesn’t always prepare you for the next one.
My stepson, Matthew, was colicky for several months after he was born. He also chose Tim’s pinky finger over a pacifier. Imagine trying to get him to sleep in his crib. So when Ethan was born and barely made a peep, Tim couldn’t help but be amazed. As a newborn, he slept through house-shaking thunder and vacuuming right next to him. And he LOVES his binky! Which we will regret soon enough.
No matter how early you start feeding vegetables to babies, they still hate them.
Or at least eating them that is. They find them much better suited for a facial mask or shampoo.
Telling them to stop doing something only incites maniacal laughter and repeating said behavior.
Almost like the cat who continued to knock over the glass of water while his owner continued to protest.
The best invention in the world is the NoseFrida Snotsucker.
And not just because I have an affiliate link for it. Have you ever tried getting boogies out of your baby’s nose with that stupid bulb thing? They scream and thrash while you’ve got it up their nose, only to find you didn’t get a thing out. With the NoseFrida, they scream and thrash, but you end up removing the most snot you’ve ever seen at once. Yes, it seems gross that you put the syringe end up to their nostril and then you suck from the other end. However, there is a filter in between should you ever extricate enough nasal mucus to choke a horse.
After all those sleepless nights, diaper changes, loads of laundry, boogers, and projectile vomit, this year went by just too damn quickly.
Once upon a time, I wasn’t sure that I actually wanted children. Taking care of them as babies can be quite thankless when they can’t verbalize their feelings. You have to take comfort in knowing, or at least hoping, that one day they will
be able towant to say I love you. But when I get home from work and Ethan smiles at my voice, my heart melts. When he naps on me, I know that he trusts me enough to fall asleep in my presence and that he draws comfort from my touch. Everything else fades away in that moment. I can get just as cranky as he does on occasion, yet I love this little boy more than I could ever have imagined. And I want time to slow down so I can revel in his perfection forevermore.
Tell me some of the things you learned the first time you became a mom.